GordoZone

My niece Danielle seems to believe, for reasons she gives on her blog, 6yearmed, that she is going to remain unmarried and would, in her words, “die an old spinster.” The essense of her position is that she is a “semi-closeted geek.” Strangely, she also believes she has ruined her chances of future reproduction with a suitable mate. I hate to tell her that the threshold for the latter is exceedingly low in the masculine worldview, and often has little association with the concept of “marriage.” She would have little trouble in this arena. But I digress…

First of all, if she feels herself a geek, then it is my pleasure to note that there is no dearth of like-minded males living in the basements of two-parent households everywhere. It is a bountiful cornucopia from which she may peruse and choose. (I recommend the local SciFi convention — look for the guys wearing foam rubber ears.)

Secondly, in spite of being in med school, she isn’t exactly hard to look at. I have no doubt that her self-perceived geekiness would be overlooked. Just a thought.

No, her biggest problem is actually using the word “spinster.” I know of no one who still uses this word who isn’t checking out books while pulling up her control tops and admiring her hair bun in the mirror on the card catalog, or is a senator from New York. To a large degree, the word itself is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You say it — you are it.

The word “spinster” (I must use quotes, lest the curse somehow fall upon me) is among a select few words in the English language that, while seemingly innocuous, are in fact quite dangerous to use. Take these examples:

Headcheese – First of all there is no cheese to be found in this product. It is a jellied loaf or sausage made from edible parts of the head, feet, and sometimes the tongue and heart especially of a pig. No cheese! I suppose adding the “cheese” part to the name was necessary, however, as stating that you are just going to go have head for lunch tends to lend itself to bad oratory, and may get you wedgied on the spot. The scarier part of this word is that the nearest associative descriptor of the product happened to be — ready for this — cheese! Dear Lord, what kind of meat product is so unrecognizable that it is given the identifier “cheese”? Never use this word.

Niggardly – being of Dutch origin, this word basically describes being a penny-pincher or a skinflint. While seemingly legitimate, it’s not a word I would shout in a crowded movie theater. You are not likely to ever accomplish saying this word in public twice. Just avoid it entirely.

Methinks – Do not utter this word — even in quoting Shakespeare. You are instantly seen as a pretentious rump. I use it often, however, without ill effect, but most people are not immune to its influence.

As you can see, words can have a potent effect on the world we live in, and using “spinster” and other Words We Should Never Use can have devastating consequences.

Danielle, stick with “remain available” or, perhaps, “power-filled Amazon looking for a man to own.” Anything but the S-word.