GordoZone

When I, in polite salutation, choose to ask someone how they are faring, I usually ask “How are you doing?” or “How are you today?”

We all know the answer is always supposed to be “fine” or “well.” When someone asks me, I generally respond with “I’m doing well, and how about you?”

We know it’s all a polite exchange that we make in American society to elevate our greetings to include the essence of concern for another person’s well being.

Now, one would think my pet peeve is when folks stop and tell you how they’re really doing. Although I hate to get blindsided with this when it is totally unexpected, it isn’t exactly a pet peeve. Usually, when someone begins to unload, they just need an ear to hear them. I’m very sympathetic to this, actually, and try to accommodate when I can.

No, my pet peeve is when someone comes in the room and says “How we doing?”

How are we doing? How should I know?

Now, I’m not talking about when there is an actual we that is engaged in some group activity that needs an update on status. I’m talking about when we becomes the bizarre and erroneous substitute for you. What causes this? Do people think this is cute?

I have two clients who both do this to me all the time. I grate inside knowing it’s coming. I hear it and yet still try to respond coherently. Here they come… don’t say it, don’t say it…

“How we doing?” Dang.

HOW DO YOU ANSWER THIS QUESTION???

Do I answer honestly? “Well, one of us is 50 pounds overweight and should stop using the combover as a hairstyle, but I’m doing quite well, thanks.”

Do I answer only my half and junk him on the rest of it? “I’m doing well, thank you.”

Smart alec answer? “How should I know how you’re doing?”

Lie? “Fine.”

It is especially irritating the few times I have had a doctor ask this question.

First of all, I’m paying him to tell me how I’m doing. I know I feel like poop at the moment, but I wanna know how I’m DOING. If I could diagnose this myself, then I wouldn’t be here. If I tell him how he’s doing, do I get to bill him $145?

Why do people ask this question? Do they think it’s cute? Oh, look at the smiling chubby guy asking a clever question. “We”… he said “we.” We’re in this together. How warm and cudly. I am endeared to him so much more deeply now.

How did these people decide to incorporate this question into their lives? You know it was a willful decision to add this to their repertiore. It certainly didn’t show up by some mass-learning disability or bizarre genetic mutation. At what point did each of these people hear this question and decide “Hey, that’s what I need to be asking. That is totally cool. This will be a big improvement to my image and self-esteem. People will like me more if I ask the question this way.”

Geez…