GordoZone

People are morons.

One of the most effective systems of rules we have in this country are the literal Rules of the Road. Our traffic laws are designed for maximum freedom and are, for all intents, non-discriminatory. These rules are so powerful that insurance companies determine liability based on their usage. It is incumbent upon each driver to obey these rules so that when we’re all tooling down the road in two-ton lethal monsters we’re all on the same page as to who and what should go where when and how. If we’re not all on the same page then there is the potential for an accident. Accidents kill people, maim people, and at the very least cause damage that someone is going to pay for. You can even be charged with a crime for violating these rules.

Now, you may think I’ve had to deal with some sort of road rage, some idiot who didn’t know it was my right of way, or some blue-haired octagenarian putzing around in the go-lane. Not so. I am contending with people who think they are somehow doing me a favor by, on the fly, changing the Rules of the Road.

Morons, I tell you.

I have had this happen on occasion, but today was the second day in a row and it’s just ticked me off. Here we go:

I live about three miles from where I work. Essentially, I cruise a semi-rural two-lane road to the main artery through our county. This main artery is a well-traveled four-lane highway that I must cross over completely to reach the other side. I then continue about another half mile on said two-lane to my destination.

Where I cross the four-lane there is no traffic light. The morning rush traffic is definitely a bit heavy, but since there are traffic lights about 300 yards on either side of this intersection, breaks come along at reasonable intervals.

The longest wait is when another car is in the middle of the intersection waiting to get onto my side of the four-lane. They are facing me, and when it is clear they travel off to my right. So far, so good.

Now, it is my responsibility to wait until they go because the Rules of the Road say they have the right of way. Still, no problem.

Now, I’m watching them more closely than I am the four-lane traffic because I cannot go until after they clear the intersection. Why, Why, WHY, then, do these people feel the need to look at me, make eye contact, and WAVE ME ACROSS AS IF THEY ARE DOING ME SOME KIND OF FAVOR.

First of all, by the time I understand what they are doing, I would have to look to my left and evaluate the traffic for myself — I’m certainly not going to trust the idiot in the median changing the Rules of the Road. At that point, they have lost the opportunity to go and the opportunitiy I would have otherwise have had is now diminished, and thus less safe.

More importantly, they have the right of way!!! Why am I throwing such a snit-fit over this? Becuase if I trust them and then something bad happens, it then becomes my fault!!! What if they decide I didn’t see them and choose to move forward at the same time I do? No matter the good intentions, and no matter how much the morons may have waved, Hizonnor the Judge will see me as the guilty party.

Yesterday some man tried to wave me across and I shook my head no large enough for him to see it. He finally pulled on out and looked at me as if I had grown a third eye. He was personally offended and completely bewildered at me. I was quite tempted to show him that, though I only had two eyes, I had one finger that was a bit longer than the rest. I did, however, refrain and gave a huge smile of friendliness instead. It’s a small county and I have vanity plates.

Today, some woman thus also waved me across. This time, I used the full force of my Angry Teacher Body Language (patent pending) and pointed at her to go. She was confused long enough that when she finally went, she ate up the time I would have had to cross after her. She went on her way and I had to wait for another wave of traffic to go by.

I don’t even know how it is that people think they are being helpful. What kind of person would do such a thing? What are they thinking??? Are they not polite enough in the lunch line at McDonald’s and feel the need to make up for it in traffic? Am I too stupid to know when it’s clear and they are covering for me? Is there some need to perform Random Acts of Motorway Kindness?

I know here in the South we do take our Southern Hospitality very seriously, but please don’t think you’re making the world a better place by changing the Rules of the Road. For those of you who may not know, we do have a Southern gene that requires us to try to outdo other folks in all matters hospitable. The nicer and more generous you are in manners and interaction, the more truly Southern you are. We live to be more hospitable than our neighbor. Yes it’s healthy competition, but mostly it’s just darn fun.

Driving, however, isn’t like manners, it’s like heart surgery. If I need heart surgery, I don’t care if my surgeon has manners or not. I don’t care if he has a sense of hospitality or not. Whether or not he spits on his secretary and punches his nurses in the gut daily is of no consequence to me. I just want to know that he can follow all the procedures to complete the surgery. Can he follow the Rules of the Road to get to the goal? I don’t care now nice he is about it, if he doesn’t know how the rules of the heart operate then we have serious problems. I could wake up dead!

If you want to be nice, let me ahead of you at the grocery store. Offer me the last slice of pizza. Give me extra grace when I double-dip a chip. There’s no law against these things.

For all our sakes, though, don’t think for one second you’re doing me any favors by changing the Rules of the Road. You’re not being nice, you’re being reckless. It’s dangerous out there — so stop playing in the street.

Sheesh.